I'm so tired of being alone...
I watched Sex & The City the other night and literally cried. It was the episode where Carrie turned 35, and was depressed because she didn't have a man in her life. Yes, I feel her pain, but my tears were caused by more than that.
Yes, my life is full - work, school, friends, kids, etc..etc...etc. However, that doesn't mean I don't want a man. Actually I do.
And yes, as a strong career woman, it ain't easy finding one. Not that I'm looking. But to even admit that I want/need a man in my life is so taboo - especially when men are 'supposedly' so outnumbered. 'Competition is fierce'. But I don't feel like competing.
I've vowed not only to not call JC, but to stop taking his calls. He's...I dunno..he's counterproductive. He's not loving me the way I deserve, and the energy I spend trying to be with him could be better spent on someone else. Beside, I've always been too damn available, which is why he feels like I'll always be there for him.
Damn, I want someone to be there for me - rescue my a$$, send me flowers, buy me candy, meet me for lunch just because. I hate to say it, but the older I get, it seems the more trifling men have become. Now, I understand why my mom stayed single for so many years.
Gotta go, ma head hurts...
Monday, October 28, 2002
Friday, October 18, 2002
prisoner 119486
watching a documentary about Wanda Jean Allen, who was executed January 11, 2001. She was an African-American woman, the first woman to be executed there since 1903, and only the second to ever have been executed in Oklahoma. The 1st one was black as well. the film suggests that she was mentally retarded with an IQ around 70-80, and had a 1982 manslaughter conviction, from which she was released from jail in 1984. She met her girlfriend (the victim) Gloria J. Leathers, 29 while she was in jail. Wanda shot Gloria in the stomach, after a domestic altercation, in front of Gloria's mom, at a police station as they were leaving, after having filed a police report against Wanda. Gloria was survived by 3 children.
yes, this story is tragic, but one comment by an observer really struck me: "we have to remove those elements of society that won't abide by the rules"
wtf?!!! element?!! whose society?!! and whose rules?!!
she was a human being, an American, a woman, a black woman, a black woman who was alive, and our 'society' killed her, because she broke the law and took a life.
She wasn't an 'element' to be 'removed'. Wanda was killed.
I'm not an anti-death penalty advocate by any means. matter of fact, i've called for the chair for several folks. my thing is, let's not lump criminals in categories, say 'the only way to take care of the problem is to get rid of them', and then start sending more folks to the chair. as a black woman, i find that statement very disturbing, since overwhelmingly it is us, blacks, african-americans that end up facing the death penalty.
watching a documentary about Wanda Jean Allen, who was executed January 11, 2001. She was an African-American woman, the first woman to be executed there since 1903, and only the second to ever have been executed in Oklahoma. The 1st one was black as well. the film suggests that she was mentally retarded with an IQ around 70-80, and had a 1982 manslaughter conviction, from which she was released from jail in 1984. She met her girlfriend (the victim) Gloria J. Leathers, 29 while she was in jail. Wanda shot Gloria in the stomach, after a domestic altercation, in front of Gloria's mom, at a police station as they were leaving, after having filed a police report against Wanda. Gloria was survived by 3 children.
yes, this story is tragic, but one comment by an observer really struck me: "we have to remove those elements of society that won't abide by the rules"
wtf?!!! element?!! whose society?!! and whose rules?!!
she was a human being, an American, a woman, a black woman, a black woman who was alive, and our 'society' killed her, because she broke the law and took a life.
She wasn't an 'element' to be 'removed'. Wanda was killed.
I'm not an anti-death penalty advocate by any means. matter of fact, i've called for the chair for several folks. my thing is, let's not lump criminals in categories, say 'the only way to take care of the problem is to get rid of them', and then start sending more folks to the chair. as a black woman, i find that statement very disturbing, since overwhelmingly it is us, blacks, african-americans that end up facing the death penalty.
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
ode to saga:: java_warrior_princess
I restarted college in the Spring '00. I'd ended my retail career, tried my hand at office management, and decided that without a degree, I was wandering career-wise. I had a plan to do something with computers (pretty vague, eh?), so I started @ a junior college to get an AAS in Computer Science. I was fortunate enuff to have some really compassionate professors, and excelled in my Comp Sci I & II, Intro to Computers, Java I & II classes...
hence the birth of saga:: java_warrior_princess. Able to leap over complex data-structures in a single bound! Wielding my deadly DOS prompt, and a few prewritten Java classes, I was ready to do some major damage to any evil-doing problem!! I even managed to turn my junior college interests into an internship and job in the development/programming field.
jump to the present:: frustrated undergrad student taking a full courseload and working in the ubër-gig. the warrior_princess has been defeated. What evil villain hath slain Saga you ask?! f$%&#in Physics II.
This is my second go at the evil Physics, and my first battle was barely won. Saga has been scarred - Java syntax forgotten, unable to even navigate to the correct directory to run her much needed Java classes. Now, she is facing Physics II, with her resources depleted, scarred and battleworn. Will she vanquish Physics and finally get her AAS?! Only time will tell....
if you find it really disconcerting that I'm referring to myself in the 3rd person, please leave me a comment!
ok, gotta go..that damn Physics textbook is taunting me again...
I restarted college in the Spring '00. I'd ended my retail career, tried my hand at office management, and decided that without a degree, I was wandering career-wise. I had a plan to do something with computers (pretty vague, eh?), so I started @ a junior college to get an AAS in Computer Science. I was fortunate enuff to have some really compassionate professors, and excelled in my Comp Sci I & II, Intro to Computers, Java I & II classes...
hence the birth of saga:: java_warrior_princess. Able to leap over complex data-structures in a single bound! Wielding my deadly DOS prompt, and a few prewritten Java classes, I was ready to do some major damage to any evil-doing problem!! I even managed to turn my junior college interests into an internship and job in the development/programming field.
jump to the present:: frustrated undergrad student taking a full courseload and working in the ubër-gig. the warrior_princess has been defeated. What evil villain hath slain Saga you ask?! f$%&#in Physics II.
This is my second go at the evil Physics, and my first battle was barely won. Saga has been scarred - Java syntax forgotten, unable to even navigate to the correct directory to run her much needed Java classes. Now, she is facing Physics II, with her resources depleted, scarred and battleworn. Will she vanquish Physics and finally get her AAS?! Only time will tell....
if you find it really disconcerting that I'm referring to myself in the 3rd person, please leave me a comment!
ok, gotta go..that damn Physics textbook is taunting me again...
Friday, October 11, 2002
that's just my baby daddy...
The big One came over to watch the lil' One, while i was in class. He left to catch the bus home, and me, feeling sorry, drove him home. We talked civilly as I drove, and I wished him goodnight.
I don't know how to feel about him, now. To me it's really strange to have onced loved him, worshipped the ground he walked on, and then now, barely want to spend more than 15 minutes with him. We had a child together, which means we're bound for life, just like a marriage. At one point, I thought he was 'The One".
But he abused me, in many different ways - physically, emotionally, mentally. We went from loving each other -> him sneaking & cheating behind my back -> him sleeping with everything that moved ->him abusing me -> him taking financial advantage of me ->me forcing him to leave. Funny, even towards the end, he never saw it coming. Subconbciously, he still thinks that we're soulmates, and will get back together. He tells me that occasionally. It makes me sad.
What is sadder, is that I came up, and he didn't.I got a better job, and he's moved from job-2-job, house-2-house, relationship-2-relationship. I moved into a bigger/better apartment, and he's got that 'grown-man' syndrome, and lives with family members, not on his own. I went back to school, and began pursuing my degree. He never finished high-school, and spent some time in jail. I forgave him, and he's got a couple of court cases pending: domestic violence & battery (not against me, it's been 5 years since he left).
Even sadder...he doesn't pay child support, and is wishy-washy about visitation. When he has time (after work, chilling after work, football games and women) he'll make time for the lil' One. I could hate him for this, most of all. But that wastes my energy.
On the way home, as he talked about his new 'gig', and the amount of $$ he'll be making, and what he'll do with it when he gets it, I thought a lot. "How does it feel to be one-upped by your ex-girlfriend/fiance?" "Does it threaten his manhood that I make >2X what he has ever made in his life?" (Not including OT that is). "Does he feel bad that as well as being the mama & daddy that he can't/will never be, that I also provide his son with a lifestyle that he may not ever achieve?" I felt bad thinking this, because I don't want to be smug about the blessings I've received. But still, how does that feel?
The big One came over to watch the lil' One, while i was in class. He left to catch the bus home, and me, feeling sorry, drove him home. We talked civilly as I drove, and I wished him goodnight.
I don't know how to feel about him, now. To me it's really strange to have onced loved him, worshipped the ground he walked on, and then now, barely want to spend more than 15 minutes with him. We had a child together, which means we're bound for life, just like a marriage. At one point, I thought he was 'The One".
But he abused me, in many different ways - physically, emotionally, mentally. We went from loving each other -> him sneaking & cheating behind my back -> him sleeping with everything that moved ->him abusing me -> him taking financial advantage of me ->me forcing him to leave. Funny, even towards the end, he never saw it coming. Subconbciously, he still thinks that we're soulmates, and will get back together. He tells me that occasionally. It makes me sad.
What is sadder, is that I came up, and he didn't.I got a better job, and he's moved from job-2-job, house-2-house, relationship-2-relationship. I moved into a bigger/better apartment, and he's got that 'grown-man' syndrome, and lives with family members, not on his own. I went back to school, and began pursuing my degree. He never finished high-school, and spent some time in jail. I forgave him, and he's got a couple of court cases pending: domestic violence & battery (not against me, it's been 5 years since he left).
Even sadder...he doesn't pay child support, and is wishy-washy about visitation. When he has time (after work, chilling after work, football games and women) he'll make time for the lil' One. I could hate him for this, most of all. But that wastes my energy.
On the way home, as he talked about his new 'gig', and the amount of $$ he'll be making, and what he'll do with it when he gets it, I thought a lot. "How does it feel to be one-upped by your ex-girlfriend/fiance?" "Does it threaten his manhood that I make >2X what he has ever made in his life?" (Not including OT that is). "Does he feel bad that as well as being the mama & daddy that he can't/will never be, that I also provide his son with a lifestyle that he may not ever achieve?" I felt bad thinking this, because I don't want to be smug about the blessings I've received. But still, how does that feel?
Friday, October 04, 2002
guerrilla-beggin' - a rant
so i stopped at my local gas station to get my morning fuel (for those of you who don't know, Quicktrip's vanilla cappucino tastes better than Starbuck's vanilla latte, for only $.99). now i live in an area suffering from gentrification. poor folks getting booted out by real estate developers to allow overpaid creative types to move in at 3/4X the prices the poor folks paid, for 'loft space' (which is really an inexpensively built 'project' that resembles NY brownstones..y'all know the drill). so there's a whole sector of the homeless in the area, and the gas station's a hangout for them.
a man approaches as I enter the store "hey sista...hey sis, can you spare some change when u come out?" I answer no, and go in the store. this brother walks toward me again as I leave, cappucino in hand. " hey sista..." i ignore him..."hey miss"...still i ignore him...him, running up on me "hey man!" WTF?...Hey Man?!
i don't owe these kids #$@% - WTF? i've heard every fake sob story...the transplant that lost it all, the visitor who's run outta gas, or who's car broke down and just needs $2, the unemployed worker who needs $.10 from every person they see so they can get a new pair of shoes for their job interview tomorrow, the vietnam/korean war/desert storm vet who's having a hard time, the pregnant mom w/kids who needs $5 to find the kids a shelter to stay in tonight...I even watched her get into a car with some brother to share the $3 I gave her...
but this kid took the cake...what, you're gonna try & punk me into giving you my loot? ok gator...you'll do it, you'll do it, you'll do it, I know....take my tv and sell it for a $20 spot that won't even last an hour, hunh? i didn't have time to go off on him like i wanted to, just gave him the 30 sec piece of my mind i could spare, and headed to work.
guerilla-beggin', kinda like guerrilla-pimpin.
so i stopped at my local gas station to get my morning fuel (for those of you who don't know, Quicktrip's vanilla cappucino tastes better than Starbuck's vanilla latte, for only $.99). now i live in an area suffering from gentrification. poor folks getting booted out by real estate developers to allow overpaid creative types to move in at 3/4X the prices the poor folks paid, for 'loft space' (which is really an inexpensively built 'project' that resembles NY brownstones..y'all know the drill). so there's a whole sector of the homeless in the area, and the gas station's a hangout for them.
a man approaches as I enter the store "hey sista...hey sis, can you spare some change when u come out?" I answer no, and go in the store. this brother walks toward me again as I leave, cappucino in hand. " hey sista..." i ignore him..."hey miss"...still i ignore him...him, running up on me "hey man!" WTF?...Hey Man?!
i don't owe these kids #$@% - WTF? i've heard every fake sob story...the transplant that lost it all, the visitor who's run outta gas, or who's car broke down and just needs $2, the unemployed worker who needs $.10 from every person they see so they can get a new pair of shoes for their job interview tomorrow, the vietnam/korean war/desert storm vet who's having a hard time, the pregnant mom w/kids who needs $5 to find the kids a shelter to stay in tonight...I even watched her get into a car with some brother to share the $3 I gave her...
but this kid took the cake...what, you're gonna try & punk me into giving you my loot? ok gator...you'll do it, you'll do it, you'll do it, I know....take my tv and sell it for a $20 spot that won't even last an hour, hunh? i didn't have time to go off on him like i wanted to, just gave him the 30 sec piece of my mind i could spare, and headed to work.
guerilla-beggin', kinda like guerrilla-pimpin.
Thursday, October 03, 2002
the end is near...
seen the news lately? Look here:
Sons found slain after suicide
Terrorist attacks said to be factor in flight attendant's murder-suicide in New Albany
Mother of 3-year-old special needs child who died in hot car
placed on suicide watch
Police: 8 youths confess in Milwaukee death
Police believe five shootings in Montgomery County, Md., suburbs related
what is our world coming to?
I remember as a child, my grandmother read religious tracts to me, that scared the crap outta me. and it seems the horror stories they appear to tell are coming true. I wonder if the world ended now, would it go out with a bang? or a whimper? and what would the headline read?
seen the news lately? Look here:
Sons found slain after suicide
Terrorist attacks said to be factor in flight attendant's murder-suicide in New Albany
Mother of 3-year-old special needs child who died in hot car
placed on suicide watch
Police: 8 youths confess in Milwaukee death
Police believe five shootings in Montgomery County, Md., suburbs related
what is our world coming to?
I remember as a child, my grandmother read religious tracts to me, that scared the crap outta me. and it seems the horror stories they appear to tell are coming true. I wonder if the world ended now, would it go out with a bang? or a whimper? and what would the headline read?
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